It goes without saying that one of life’s greater thrills is the gamble of Christmas morning. Before Rainbet or Draftkings, there was Santa Claus and his list. Were we naughty? Were we nice? My hands are shaking with excitement just thinking about it.
As a kid, the gamble was safer. The worst you could end up with was a pair of socks, something that the more foppish children such as myself secretly loved, but even the less coveted presents were worth some excitement.
As an adult, the pile of gifts shrinks, and thus the gamble gets more serious. Is that package the new fishing rod you’ve wanted? A set of sparkling TaylorMades? A 2026 tax exemption? Unlikely. I hope you like salt shakers.
As a form of wish fulfillment, I thought it prudent to share my top 10 gifts I’d like to receive this Christmas and why. Maybe, just maybe, this list will persuade a few of you to be gentle in your shopping for men of similar disposition. And please, no more ties.
Ten Million Dollars
This gift is a good one because I really want it. Think about how happy you’d make me by handing me a big novelty check for 10 million dollars? You’d be like “wow, ive never seen someone cry so hard. Did you see when he tried to take a bite out of the check?” That would be awesome.
Friends Who Stop Inviting me to Weddings and Bachelor Parties
We text like 5 times a month. Why do you want me there in the first place? I will be tired, anxious, and asking too many people about how often they have sex with their partners. It’s a lose-lose for everyone.
Pants That Don’t Shrink
It’s not the 4 pack of 16oz IPAs ive been drinking every other night since Thanksgiving, it’s shoddy, overseas craftsmanship. My waistline and ego can only take so much.
An Attaboy
It’s been a long year. Some encouragement would be nice, Dad.
Altoid Passionfruit Sours (Discontinued)
These were alive and well when I was a freshman in high school. I had just read A Separate Peace, discovered that older girls wore bras, and still played with legos in secret. This factory sealed tin on e-bay is only $999. Think about it.
Knees That Don’t Crack
I am 30. It is WAY too early for that.
My Attention Span Back.
I would show you my screen time but I think I would be drone-striked.
A White Christmas.
I haven’t seen snow on Christmas in Massachusetts since 2006. I shouldn’t have to explain why I want this one.
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A Cat that Doesn’t Lounge on his Back like a Sex-cretin Sheik From a 70’s Bond Film.
I’m just kidding, Snowman, you’re perfect.
A High Horse
For easier judgement.
Regardless of what I actually receive this year, it’s been a hell of a 2025, and I am ever thankful for those around me I call family and friends.
Also, my Venmo is John-Sargent-6.
