Ladies and Gentleman of Outpost, we once again find ourselves at the top of the slide. 2025 was a hell of a year. I quit my job, got a little fat, and doubled my nicotine intake. All in all, not a bad showing. Now, staring 2026 squarely in its dead little eyes, there's only way out—and its through.
But fret not! Yes, it may be January, and yes, it may be cold, and YES, it may feel like the world is on the brink of economic and political collapse, but that’s all part of the fun. What is life without a little adversary? Sitting at my desk today, I think we can agree that yesterday was the most Monday feeling Monday to ever have Monday-ed, and that got me thinking—where are we on the weekly calendar for the year?
After much pondering and consulting of friends, I present to you:
The Months as Days of the Week
January - Monday
January is the Monday of the year going away. You are tired, confused, angry, and you have to actually work for the first time since Friday afternoon (this will be clear further down the list). There is almost nothing redeeming about this month, hence its comparison to the worst day of the year. I am going to rename “case of the Monday’s” to “case of the January’s”.
February - Tuesday
A nothing day deserves a nothing month. What happens on Tuesdays, anyway? Name one historical thing or important moment in your life that took place on a Tuesday. Just an absolute waste of 24 hours. February is the perfect fit. No one cares about it, everyone is still a little depressed, and before you say “John! What about Valentines day?!” That holiday is for elementary schoolers and Big Hallmark. Grow up.
March - Wednesday
HUMP DAY! I’ve always liked Wednesdays. You’re halfway there, things are starting to warm up, and you’ve already started plotting on what to do over the weekend. Just need to push through a few more hours (days) of cold and boring weather until things get interesting.
April - Thursday
Ah, Thursday. Friday’s ugly but charming little brother. He tries his best, he can be funny, and shucks, he means well. I have a soft spot for April as well as Thursday because I was born in April ( on the 18th to be exact, feel free to send cash), and because Thursday was my favorite night to go out in college. You are so close to the weekend, (summer) and you can feel the stress of all the work you didn’t do earlier in the week melt away. Take me away, sweet Thursday!
May - Friday Morning
Ok, just a heads up. This metaphor is about to get really time specific. Follow me.
May is Friday morning. You still have some stuff to do, but you are RIGHT there. The weekend is basically blowing you kisses at this point. The weather is warm, plans are being made, and you have a pep in your step. It’s like February never even happened!
June - Friday Afternoon
I don’t care what anyone says, Friday afternoon is the best part of the weekend. You have nothing serious to do, and if you do, you don’t do it. You are the furthest away you can possibly be from Monday morning, and all you are thinking about is the next 48 hours and all the nothing you can achieve. This is the pinnacle of life. When I die, bury me on a Friday afternoon.
July - Saturday
You have reached the peak of the weekend. You wake up with a bit of a hangover, but who cares—its Saturday! You can do whatever you want. Your buddy is throwing a huge bash later that night, you’re tan, you’re hot. Everything has coalesced to this exact moment. Drink it in.
August, September - Sunday Morning
This is where this metaphor gets tricky. August and September are Sunday morning. You’re giddy from a fantastic night before, the morning is gorgeous and the coffee smells sweet and inviting. You are excited to relax, eat some good food and take a long walk later. Maybe Sunday isn’t so bad after all?
October, November - Sunday afternoon
It’s starting to get a bit dark, but the light is breathtaking. You are starting to feel hungry after a light breakfast, so you tuck into a heavy diner lunch that leaves you stuffed to the gils. Your only plans for the rest of the day are to go home and watch a movie or some football. The reality of the weekend coming to a close is there, but it hasn’t paralyzed you with dread… yet.
December 1st to Christmas - Sunday Night until 9 p.m. (I told you this would get specific).
After some T.V. and another nap, you wake up to see the clock read 6 p.m. A bead of sweat drops from your brow, and you go to take a shower to forget about it and throw on some comforting music. You get a text from some friends who are meeting at a restaurant around the corner for dinner. You pop on a nice outfit, head out the door, and can’t help but feel cozy and excited. What’s better than a night out on a Sunday? The city lights twinkle, and for a moment, you forget that Monday is just around the corner. The meal is exquisite, the banter is flowing, and the wine is poured with more and more regularity.
December, Boxing Day to New Years - Sunday Night from 9 p.m. to Midnight
After dinner, you still have a bit of energy, so you get cheeky and decide to hoof it to a bar. Energy is waning, but spirits are still high. None of you can let go of the weekend just yet, and why should you? You had a great week with it’s share of ups and downs (GOD I hated Tuesday). You’ve earned a strong send off. At the bar, you chat and drink and start to get into a groove. It feels like you’ve been drinking non-stop since Friday, because you have, and theres no point in quitting now. Someone hands you a shot, and against your better judgment, you take it. Then another. And another. Pretty soon, you see it’s almost midnight…
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HAPPY MONDAY!
