I've seen it all over Manhattan - twenty something women approaching men first. But, one conversation reframed it for me.
I was at an after party on the Upper East Side aside a tall, beautiful 25-year-old Dutch woman. Her and I were at the annual Outpost dinner earlier that night which continued at a dark piano bar.
After sparking a conversation with me about the current revolution in NYC’s dating culture, she asked why people here view this movement of women approaching men as a bad thing. Before I could respond, she leaned in and said “It’s important. It directly affects your sex life. Why wouldn’t you be the one going for it and making the decision on who you want to date.”
She didn’t view this as a bad thing at all. In fact, she informed me that this is already widely practiced in the Netherlands and continued with “..something revolutionary is happening in NYC...”
With all the liquors in my belly from the event’s open bar I just stared at her and nodded because she was right.
She had a boyfriend of 2 months. They knew each other from Harvard or something. She said “Nowadays you don’t want the guy who approaches you at the bar - he’s creepy.”
I winced but knew exactly what she meant.
I’ve seen it with my own eyes. The traditional dating dynamic has quietly flipped. In bars full of 20 something year olds, women cross the room to introduce themselves to men of their choosing.
When our parents were settling down and marrying, choosing a husband came more out of necessity, but that necessity has diminished. Now, the method of choosing a husband or partner is driven by wants and less so needs for survival.
Choosing a partner is one of the most important decisions you will make in your life. We all want to experience love with the right person. Someone whose presence makes you feel safe enough to build something lasting.
Women are more educated and better paid than ever before. As of 2024, women earn on average 85% of what men earn. The wage gap continues to narrow and is expected to be almost gone by 2050.
I explained this women-approaching-men concept to my mother and she believes it’s “All wrong. The man has to chase the woman.” So I asked my guy friend Alex for his perspective. Alex is 30, single, lives in Chelsea, and works in private equity. When a woman introduces herself to him or asks for his number it doesn’t put a damper on the chase because “she can still play hard to get after I get her number.”
From the Netherlands to NYC, women are approaching dating differently. They are quietly claiming the first move.
Sources: Pew Research Center: Gender pay gap in U.S. has narrowed slightly over 2 decades
