Well, friends, it’s that time of year again. We are looking down the barrel of another 365 and ¼ days of a new year, and you have to decide what about your life is ready to change. I find New Year’s Eve appropriately bittersweet for a myriad of reasons. Firstly, I am saying goodbye to another year that was filled with a smattering of ups and downs, another rich square on the tapestry of life, moments that will come to define me as I hurdle toward the grave. Second, I am faced with the daunting task of deciding which of my bad habits I need to eschew to make 2026 the best it possibly can be.
So, without further ado, these are my top ten New Year’s resolutions I am going to try and stick to, barring illness or being struck with a falling piano à la Wile E. Coyote.
No More Doomscrolling
This one feels patently obvious. I am a writer (sort of), for Christ’s sake—how can I keep up this performative appearance if I spend 10 hours a day scrolling through butt workout videos and Family Guy clips suspended over Temple Run gameplay?Drink Less (Maybe)
As Tom Wambsgans from HBO’s Succession waxes: “I just keep thinking about… when we get home before dinner and we have the very first glass of cold white wine on an empty stomach. I just love that. I got deep into the prison blogs again about toilet wine, and it turns out you can make it from fruit and ketchup… But the truth is, I’m not going to get wine of any temperature in prison. There are no fine wines in prison.” I need to start thinking of 2026 as my prison. Maybe then, I’ll adopt the fortitude to give up the grape just a little more.Stop Being So Damn Fat
I saw what I looked like in my parents’ Christmas card. Harrowing is too gentle of a word. Time to hit the treadmill, tubby.Read More
This comes on the heels of my goal to doomscroll less. I was an English major; I know how to read (I think…). Besides, think how much more pretentious and insufferable I could be if I actually finished books?Win a Strongman Competition / Eat Healthier
Baby steps.Kiss My Cat Less
It’s just getting weird, to be honest.Build a Time Machine and Save My 7th-Grade Self from Sending That Email to My Girlfriend After She Broke Up with Me
That memory has haunted me for far too long. I tried to act so unbothered, although I literally think I had tears in my eyes while writing it. To give you a taste, I ended every sentence with “haha!”Donate to Charity
This one is obvious; I need some good karma after that email.Buy My Wife More Flowers
This is such a slam dunk. $20 for a week of good vibes? This is the modern equivalent of indulgences.Doomscroll More
Actually, I’ve changed my mind.
