Ah Paris... The mere mention of it brings to mind baguettes and berets, charming boulevards and dogs with hats. Even the most slack-jawed, uncultured simpletons know it is a place of class and elegance—and I am no exception.
Unfortunately, as an American, I have come to learn that our ilk has fallen out of vogue in the City of Lights. Sure, maybe a hundred years ago it was fashionable to be an American in Paris, back when great minds such as Ernest Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald would stop at cafes to drink Riesling, discuss literature, and kiss (they were an item, yes?)
Today’s Americans don’t have the same luxury. We are about as identifiable as a pimple on a forehead, spotted a mile away by our athleisure and fuller frames. Our best attempts at French are met with derisive looks followed by an immediate response in english. Even the dogs in hats turn their snouts up at us.
Thankfully, after hours of meticulous research and days spent in the field, I have compiled a list of the trendiest, coolest places that Paris has to offer. Places so French that a single visit will have you dying to pick up smoking. Enjoy.
Historic Home in the French Countryside
First on my list is a charming piece of lesser known French History. Originally a humble abode to French aristocracy, this simple yet elegant homestead is always empty, and is the perfect place for a day trip.
Pronunciation is key to blending in, so repeat after me: “VER-SAIL”.
Remember to hit that “L” harder than a baseball!
Famous for it’s art collections, weirdly big beds, and lack of crowds, be sure to check out the Hall of Mirrors, where French nobility would play games such as “Bloody Mary” and “Do I have escargot in my teeth?”
One of The Art World’s Best Kept Secrets
Speaking of art, next up is a daring, underground (literally) Parisian gallery. Forget the Musée D’Orsay or the Musée Rodin, those tepid tourist traps are nothing compared to this gonzo bunker that houses some of the world’s most twisted art. Entry requires sneaking through a shabby glass pyramid located at the center of a bustling city square, and once inside, you are encouraged to touch as much of the art as possible, as the entire collection is interactive.
This painting, which remains nameless, depicts a woman with an inscrutable expression. Some say she is snickering at the painter (who is a total nobody) others say she is about to sneeze. Fascinating.
This monstrosity, “Winged Victory at Samothrace”, is straight out of a haunted house. What sick bastard would sculpt a decapitated bird-woman on purpose? This is truly a museum of the insane.
Cathedral with American Roots
If the previous two destinations were a bit trendy, allow me to placate your weak American pallet. This next hidden gem is a quaint church that only sees a handful of tourists each year. Named after the famous Indiana based university known for football and notable graduates such as Condaleeza Rice and Regis Philbin, Notre Dame is the perfect place to escape the crowds and relax. Go Fighting Irish!
The Best Shopping Experience Un-known to Man
On three, let’s both say the one thing we hate about shopping in New York… Ready?
1… 2… 3…
GETTING MADE FUN OF!
Exactly right, everyone knows that New York does nothing but crush your fashion-minded spirit whenever you try to shop. Do you know how many times I’ve been laughed out of the Times Square Forever 21 before it closed? Twice. That’s two too many times.
Thankfully, given that Paris is the fashion capitol of the world, it is awash in niche, boutique brands, many of which are located on a single tucked away side street called Champs-Élysées.
Now I know what you are thinking, and YES, it is affiliated with Champs Sports, but the city likes to keep that detail on the hush hush.
Here, you can find several trendy and unheard of brands to browse. Weird little names such as Chanel (pronounced like “Hey man, change the CHANNEL to C-SPAN”), St. Laurent, and Louis Vuitton. To be honest, I don’t know what kind of clothing they carry, as I am pretty loyal to GAP, but it’s gotta be trendy with those french names.
Sort of a Boring but Cool Tower
I chose this location for the number one spot because it was so underwhelming and empty that it has to be popular amongst Parisians. It’s a tower of some sort (possibly radio?) and occasionally at night it will light up like its having a seizure, which is honestly pretty annoying. Anyway, get a bottle of wine and sit near it and smoke? That feels pretty French…
Boring right?
In conclusion, I hope you enjoyed this list, and if you ever need any recommendations of where to eat in Paris, hit me up, I hear they have a McDonald’s!
